My friends Doug and Leah told me that they noticed I seemed down lately. I didn't realize it showed so much, but you know I never have been to good at masking things.
I had a long talk with my wife last night and I think I know what's bothering me.
This morning I got out and took the city bus and ended up walking in the cold. It was good. I needed to take some time and think about things. When I got home I sat down and did a time line of my life, from 1972 (when I was born) to right now. Just the major events, you know, and there it was, the reason I've been struggling is because most of the things that have happened in my life are things that happened to me or around me, things that were unplanned or out of my control, some of them were reactions to things that happened, but rarely has anything major happened in my life that I actually planned for and positioned myself to make it happen.
I feel like I am totally out of focus because I don't know where I am supposed to be looking. I know, I know, I'm supposed to know all of these things because I'm a leader. Well, I don't.
I sat back in my seat and realized that my life has been lived without a purpose. Of course I have the purpose of Christ, to reach the world and show people the love of God, but to say that I know where I am going or what I'll be doing in five years would really be a stretch.
It so easy to get lost in the everyday, you know. It's like when you walk fast, usually you have your head down because you're watching your feet to make sure you don't trip, but it's easy to lose sight of the big picture when your focus is too close.
I knew a guy that believed that we weren't supposed to plan tomorrow because of a scripture he read in the New Testament, he's in prison now. He's not in prison because he believed that you shouldn't plan, but because it's so easy to get the mindset that everything's about right now that he did stupid things not thinking about where it might lead.
I'll be 40 in less than five years and I don't plan on stumbling into that year and having to look up to see where I ended up. I plan on being where I am going to position myself to be, starting today. I'll keep you posted.
